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Three Potential Weddings and a Funeral

by Christie Humphries

kvue.com

Posted on February 22, 2011 at 12:52 AM

What is it about hometown dates that make everyone start squealing? I mean my family might get off the couch long enough to give me a hug and ask me if I need help with my bags, but I can’t remember anyone ever squealing and running towards me for a full on, feet off the floor embrace. Brad is always standing there smiling like, “Can I get some of that?”, which of course he does. They throw their arms around him too, like he’s the long lost family pet. Not that I blame them. I’d probably give him a lot more than a hug if he showed up on my doorstep…but anyway, Brad had his hands full this week as he travel across the country to see his final four. His first stop was in Seattle to see Chantal. What I find interesting about Chantal is that she keeps calling herself a “relationship person”, yet to my knowledge, she’s only had one. She’s 28, she was married and she was with that guy for 10 years. How young was she when she started dating? I don’t really think you can consider yourself a “relationship person” unless you’ve been in more than one…but then again as a friend pointed out…she did say relationship not relationships. The other thing I find interesting about Chantal is her pets. She decided that she had to take Brad to her house to meet her pets before taking him to meet her family, because she said that they were a packaged deal. A four pack to be exact…Chantal, two cats, and a dog that looks more like a large hair ball or stuffed animal than a pet. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I think single women with more than two pets are a red flag. Sometimes you want your pet to have a friend to play with when you are not around, so you get two, but three is a little overkill if you ask me. But Brad seemed to like them, so I guess it wasn’t a deal breaker. Now if you thought Chantal had a nice house, you probably thought it looked like a shack compared to her parent’s home. In case you didn’t know, Chantal’s parents are apparently loaded! I am kind of hoping that they may want to adopt me, so I can live in their wine cellar, but I think it is more likely that they will adopt Brad. I felt like Brad and Chantal’s dad had a bit of a bromance going on. They had so much in common. I’m sure he’d fit right in. And Chantal didn’t seem to have any issues with the idea of packing up everything and moving down to Austin. We are pet friendly after all. Brad’s second date was on the other side of the country in France…I mean northern Maine, where they apparently speak French, which confused Brad, who answered “Si” when the waitress spoke to him. That’s okay Brad; your Spanish will come in a lot more handy down here in Austin, than Ashley’s French. The most confusing part of the date was when she ordered poutine as an appetizer. She described it as cheese fries with gravy on top. So I’m picturing something similar to what I’ve had at Hyde Park Bar and Grill….but no! It was brown gravy….I had to make a yuck face. Luckily that wasn’t all they were having for dinner. Ashley took Brad to the local market to pick up some live Maine Lobster and grabbed some fresh fruits and vegetables on the side of the road…literally, they paid with the honor system by shoving some cash in a box…gotta love small towns. Ashley’s family was SUPER excited to meet Brad. I almost needed ear plugs. Ashley’s sister was the spokesperson for the family and tattoo artists of America. Seriously...that girl had both sleeves done, her neck and her chest. She should have tried out for “The Jerk of Love” with Jesse James. I hear he likes them that way. But Brad loved everyone, including his gigantic plate of lobster. I swear there was nothing else on that table other than four or five huge red lobsters, a stick of butter, and some corn on the cob. Those Mainers sure know how to have a man over for dinner. Brad’s third date was dead before it started…truly. Shawntel N. took Brad to see her funeral home. She asked him how he wanted to be buried. She showed him where he could be cremated. She even showed him how she embalms people. Her dad had it right, “No rose for you!” You can’t start out your date in a death chamber and then move on to dinner and light conversation about marriage…especially when it is clear that your family expects you to come back home and take over the family business, not run off to Austin with some random Bachelor/Bar Owner. I really liked Shawntel for Brad, but even I was a little creeped out by all the embalming stuff. I can see how Brad wouldn’t want to spend every day talking about that. I think what she does is amazing and I'm sure that being the person who can help to sooth someone’s pain during such a sad time, is probably incredibly rewarding, but it’s not for everyone and it clearly wasn’t for Brad. Brad’s final date was with Emily. Emily chose not to introduce Brad to her parents, just her daughter, Ricky, which seemed a bit strange to me, since Ricky was the one person I thought Emily didn’t want to introduce him to. Emily apparently has never introduced Ricky to anyone that she has dated, so it was no surprise that the kid didn’t exactly open up right away. And I’m sure that having a camera crew running around didn’t help things either. I think Brad enjoyed family time with Emily, but he was clearly freaked out a bit. He was afraid to kiss her in her home with her daughter sleeping upstairs. I hope he realizes that’s kind of how it works when you date someone with kids. Thankfully, Emily wasn’t going to let him leave without giving her some lip. She had to make the first move! Brad…what were you thinking? I really like Emily, and I think you’re great too, but if I have to be honest…I think she deserves someone other than you. I don’t think you’re ready for a girl like Emily. I think she needs to be the next Bachelorette. She needs a guy who can handle a situation like that with no second thoughts. She’s a great girl, who’s been through a lot. She shouldn’t have to beg you for a kiss and reassure you that it’s okay. It was no surprise that Brad had to let Shawntel go. She handled it with a lot of grace and very few tears. I hope she finds a nice guy in Chico who can appreciate her “talents”. In the meantime, Brad and his remaining contestants will be flying off to South Africa to see who can survive the overnight dates.

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