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Rated J for Jerk

Rated J for Jerk

by Christie Humphries

kvue.com

Posted on June 28, 2010 at 11:44 PM

Welcome to Turkey Ali...one of your boyfriends is cheating on you! The show began with a wakeup call from Ali’s friend Jesse, who called to rat Justin out for having a girlfriend back home…and not just any girlfriend….a really annoying one…who fakes tears on the phone as she tells Ali that she’s been dating Justin for more than two years. For now on everyone should listen to the ballot box.   It’s like a magic ball for bad seeds.

Ali marched downstairs to confront Justin and break his other leg. Unfortunately, she didn’t get a chance because he ran off…well hobbled off. He didn’t even attempt to defend himself or deny his actions. He stomped through the bushes and the fountain to avoid the cameras and Ali. I was embarrassed for him. He looked like a total douche. Eventually he came back, after he’d had time to formulate an excuse, but Ali wasn’t buying it. He walked off in shame. To make sure that the audience knew that this wasn’t a case of he said she said, they played the voicemail messages that his girlfriend had saved while Justin was on the show.  As Justin walked along the curb trying to catch a cab to the airport, you could hear him telling this Jessica chic how much he loved her and wanted to make her his wife….apparently Rated R stands for Rodent.
Back and the hotel, the boys received their first date card and Ty was given his first one on one date. Ty and Ali took a little tour of Turkey to try to forget about the incident that morning. They had an opportunity to relax at an ancient bath house, where “women aren’t usually allowed”. I don’t really know if that’s the kind of place that I’d want to go…especially if Ty was going to massage me with soap while I was wrapped in a table cloth, but to each his own. It looked like Ty was poking her in the face with his nose every time he kissed her. It was getting a little hot in there…and it was making me a little nauseous (and yes I know the correct word is nauseated, but I prefer to say nauseous). Ali might have felt the same way or she just worked up an appetite. They decided to get dressed and grab some dinner.   It was the perfect setting for Ali to grill Ty about his divorce. It was like a quick fire challenge as Ali shot out question after question on why his marriage failed. Thankfully, Ty managed to defend himself and show that he had grown through the process. Sadly for her, Ty made it pretty clear that he was looking for a “traditional” women and Ali described herself as anything but.  However, she still decided to give him a rose for being open and honest with her. Bad move in my opinion. If you’re not the kind of women he’s looking for…that’s not going to change no matter how many roses you give him.
The group date turned into a scene from Lord of the Flies. Roberto, Craig, Chris, and Kirk got rubbed down with olive oil and were forced to wrestle angry Turkish men in leather pants. It might have been one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Craig openly admitted that he was better at fighting with words, but somehow when they were forced to fight each other for Ali, he managed to win the leather pants trophy and the one on one date he wanted so badly. Craig and Ali took a boat ride in the bay and had a chance to explore the idea of professional olive oil wrestling. I have to give it to Craig and his sense of humor. He is an overall good guy, but I think Ali is just a little too young to look past the physical beauty of the other guys to see what Craig has to offer.
Frank and his insecurity take Ali on a tour of the spice bizarre, where a bunch of creepy men with yellow teeth try to sell them cheep souvenirs. Ali decided it would be a good idea to try on the belly dancing outfit and this was apparently all the motivation Frank needed to convince him that he needed to buy a rug and take Ali on a magic carpet ride. Either that or he was just too weak to fight off the used carpet salesman…at least he got 2 free pillows. He’ll need them to cry his broke ass to sleep when he gets home with that thing.
Dinner was interesting. Ali took Frank to The Basilica Cistern, a sunken Palace that lies beneath the city of Istanbul, formerly Constantinople. They walked through a pool of water to a platform in the center of the pillars to enjoy some wine and awkward conversation. Frank talked about his need to only get engaged and get married once in his life and he hoped that he could get to that point with Ali. Ali expressed her fear of her relationship with Frank. As she put it, he scares her and she knows that he has the potential to break her heart. Again…probably should have run the other way at that point, but no…she gave him a rose.   She’ll never learn.
In the end, the only thing surprising about the rose ceremony was Chris’ sneakers. Ali opted not to have a cocktail party. She sent Craig home in tears. Hopefully, he got a parting gift…maybe some garlic infused olive oil…some that he can eat instead of wrestle in.

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