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I Heart You Ali

I Heart You Ali

by Christie Humphries

kvue.com

Posted on June 14, 2010 at 11:37 PM

Oh Kasey…what can I say that you haven’t already said in song? I don’t need you to guard and protect my heart…I need someone to guard and protect my ears. Ali said that nothing about Kasey seemed real. Maybe that’s because in Kasey’s head, he’s riding a unicorn to the palace in the sky where Ali is there, letting her hair down like some stupid fairy princess. I honestly think someone should set him up with Tenley from the last season of The Bachelor. Her Disney characters and his unicorns can hook up and have little singing chipmunks. I actually threw up a little just thinking about it. Who is the casting agent that finds these crazy people? Maybe I have been too picky in my search for love. Little did I know, single, reasonably attractive, straight and not crazy actually is too much to ask for.

On the group date, Ali and Roberto are chosen to perform in The Lion King. It was a little awkward to watch them hanging from wires wearing nothing but pantyhose and yarn, but I think the guys who didn’t make the cut had it worse, considering they weren’t even allowed to watch the show inside the theatre. They were forced to sit in the lobby and watch it on TV. I hope they were at least provided with an open bar. After the show, Ali took the guys back to the hotel to get drunk. She started feeling a bit under the weather, so she decided to ditch the guys to go on a walk with Frank in the rain….very smart. After making out with Frank, to make sure he knew that she hadn’t forgotten about him, she returned to the cocktail party to let everyone know how bad she was feeling.  Kirk took this opportunity to suggest that she call it a night and let him take her back to her room and tuck her in. Well Ali didn’t waste any time letting the guys know that she would not be giving out a rose that night….because she’d already given Kirk her room key.  The rest of the guys stand by and watch as Kirk “walks her back to her room” and are left to wonder what’s really going on. What’s going on is that she’s spreading her illness and germs around to all of these poor guys who are desperate for a freaking corsage. She should hand out Listerine not roses.
Chris L. gets the second one on one date. I’ll give it to Chris that he seems to be as close to normal as any of the guys on this show can be. He got screwed, because Ali got sick and he had to go hang out with her in her hotel room. There’s nothing sexier than a girl in a flannel hoodie and PJ’s, blowing her nose and sucking down cough syrup, but somehow Chris found it charming. It proved to be the perfect time to open up about his family and build a relationship with Ali. I don’t know whether it was the good company or the chicken noodle soup, but Ali perked up enough to take Chris out to dinner and give him a chance to call his dad on his birthday. Ali felt so much love on this date, she decided to finally give out a rose, saving Chris from elimination on his birthday. 
While Chris was wearing his heart on his sleeve, Kasey decided to tattoo his. He literally tattooed a heart with a shield around it to show Ali that he would always guard her heart and he was truly looking for someone to guard his…only he decided to hide it from the other guys in the house. When he returned, he was wearing a bandage on his wrist and told everyone that he burned himself on the stove and went to the hospital. Only the wrestler went on record to say that Kasey was a liar. He knew something was up and it wasn’t Kasey’s IQ.
As if we hadn’t heard enough bad lyrics for one week, the weatherman broke out into song at the cocktail party. He actually referred to himself as a singer/songwriter. What I want to know is where are all of these guitars coming from? They seem to appear out of nowhere. Is there some producer standing in the shadows at all times with props just waiting for some poor dude to embarrass himself?   The answer is YES!
I don’t even think that Ali needed to hear that song to know that Jonathan was the wrong man for her. What I didn’t understand was her need to cut Jesse. Not only was he the best singer at The Lion King tryout, but he’s hot and a normal dude…not necessarily the smartest guy, but I’d certainly be happier living on a couple acres of land with Jesse and his dogs vs. raising unicorns with a tattooed moron who couldn’t even gather enough courage to show Ali his masterpiece. What makes a girl keep guys like Kasey, Craig, and Chris M., who has no personality and sports an 80’s style John Cusack hairdo?   I keep waiting for him to hold a stereo up over his head and Chris Harrison to shout, “Where’s My Two Dollars”?!.   I’m glad I didn’t have to pay to watch this show. I’d ask for a refund.
 

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