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Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

by Christie Humphries

kvue.com

Posted on February 14, 2011 at 10:52 PM

Updated Monday, Feb 14 at 11:06 PM

Well Michelle, it looks like the only person Brad won’t be “friending” on Facebook is you! After your long fought battle to ruin everyone else’s chances at a life with Brad…the only person you wound up hurting was yourself. Serves you right! Maybe you should have taken your top off on the magazine shoot. That may have been the only asset that could have saved you. At the very least, maybe you could have gotten a few offers to pose for Playboy or Maxim Magazine…but no, you decided it would be better to straddle him and lick the sand off his face. Little did you know, you were actually kissing him goodbye. It looks like even Virgin Mobile thinks you are a crazy stalker. They cast a chick that looks just like you to be in their commercial that ran twice during the show. It was like seeing double. I could totally see you perched up in a tree watching Brad through his window. As you laid there on the seat of the limo as it pulled away, I half expected you to morph into some alien creature and pronounce, “I’ll be back Brad…you just wait!”. Pure evil…you are going to make someone really miserable someday. Glad it won’t be Brad. Poor Britt couldn’t hold on to the bachelor either…she couldn’t even hold his attention. She seemed to have an unlimited amount of hot pink outfits, but even they couldn’t get him interested. She was as sweet as they come, but sometimes cute and sweet isn’t enough either. Maybe if she had a GIANT TRAMP STAMP on her back like Shawntel, she could have sparked his interest, but sadly no. He didn’t even let her stick around until the rose ceremony; he just kicked her off the boat. She might as well have walked the plank. Probably would have been less embarrassing than having to go back to the house and pack up her things in front of the other girls. She must have had a hard time leaving all of her teddy bears at home. They will probably be happy to see her when she gets back. The key to winning Brad’s heart is telling him you love him, making out in the rain, crying and whining a lot. These are all keys to survival on this season of The Bachelor. Our Final Four are: Shawntel…sorry sweetheart, but next week will be your last. I can’t believe you are actually going to make the man lay on your embalming table. That’s a sure fire way to kill the romance. Emily…your daughter is going to scare Brad to death, but he may keep you because you are so cute and sweet and he doesn’t want to look like a bad guy for dumping you because he couldn’t make a connection with your daughter…but don’t worry Emily, if you don’t make it to the end, you are a shoo-in for The Bachelorette. Ashley…God you are annoying. If it weren’t for the fact that you look so cute curled up on him like a spider monkey, I wouldn’t think you had a chance, but some guys like that kind of thing. And last but not least there is Chantal. I don’t even know what to say. You really put it all out there. You cry on every date. You take your top off. You’ve got the tramp stamp. You are the trifecta of crap Brad is looking for. You may be a hard one to beat.

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