Tuesday, Mar 2 at 12:18 AM
Most of us spend our lives looking to find a diamond in the rough…but apparently Jake just wants rough. Jake didn’t want the sweet, innocent girl covered in pixie dust. He wanted the immature, unapologetic swamp girl covered in mud. That’s not the smell of the sulphur springs that stinks Jake, that is your taste in women!
I really wish I could be happy for Jake, because he truly seems confident in his decision, but I don’t see how that relationship will ever last. I don’t care how much “heat” they have now. When that flame burns out and all he’s left with is her brutal honesty…he’ll realize what everyone else has known all along…she’s a hot mess.
Since Vienna loves to be brutally honest…I’m going to be as well. This is my version of what must have been going through Jake’s mind when he was trying to decide between Tenley and Vienna:
Vienna…because cross-eyed girls need love too.
Vienna…because no one can make Jessica Simpson hair extensions look as bad as she does.
Vienna…because I like a girl who still smells like hot wings from Hooters.
Vienna…because I like girls with lots of teeth.
Vienna…because you can never have too many green outfits or reptile tattoos.
Vienna…because having friends is over-rated.
Vienna…because she’s the only woman that makes me want to jump off of a bridge.
Now to be fair, he did struggle with his decision. I can’t just leave Tenley out completely. When he was trying to decide who to let go, he must have been thinking:
Tenley…because cuddling just doesn’t do it for me anymore.
Tenley…because I’m afraid that Disney characters are going to fly out from under her dress.
Tenley…because it’s hard for someone to talk dirty to you when they have the voice of an 8 year old.
Tenley…because I no longer want to marry my best friend, I want to marry the girl next door…to the trailer park.
It took 2 hours for ABC to finally reveal Jake’s unfortunate decision. To drag things out even more, they followed up the show with an hour long After the Final Rose Special. There is nothing more brutal than forcing a girl to relive getting dumped on national television and then making her confront the guy about why she wasn’t the one, so that she can try to get some closer. Poor little Tenley sat there as Jake told her that he just didn’t feel the same spark for her that he felt for Vienna. Her bottom lip started quivering all over again. I wish they had chosen her as the next Bachelorette instead of Ali. I think that poor girl needs someone to take care of her...other than Bambi and the Seven Dwarfs. And as far as I can tell, Ali’s just trying to become famous. She spent 30 minutes hugging the crowd and thanking them for their support after the show…like she’d just won Miss Congeniality or something. I hope the man of her dreams doesn’t walk out on her for his job.
Thankfully, for those of you who haven’t had quite enough of Jake, you’ll get to see him strut his stuff every week on Dancing with the Stars. If we’re lucky, he’ll have some hot steamy affair with Edyta Sliwinska. If there is any woman on the planet who can show Jake what real heat is, it’s her.
Don’t forget to tune in next week to watch Jason Mesnick cry at the altar as he and Molly tie the knot.