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House of My Pain

by Chumphries

kvue.com

Posted on June 10, 2008 at 2:47 AM

Updated Friday, Oct 23 at 1:30 PM

Well, if your favorite part of American Idol is watching the embarrassing tryouts...this week's Bachelorette will give you a taste of what you've been missing. In an attempt to discover who could really sing her praises, DeAnna asked the Bachelors to write her a song. Let me tell you...that was time out of my life that I will never get back! I've never heard a more sorry bunch of singer/songwriters in my life. The only one who seemed to have put any real thought into it was HOT Brian with his song titled "House of My Pain", but she didn't even pick him for the one on one date. She gave it to Jesse, because he got down on one knee and held her hand while he sang his song. I guess she wants a proposal so bad she'll settle for just about anything.

Jesse told the guys that he was going to wear blue jeans and crazy shoes on their date, but DeAnna had a different idea. She sent him a fancy suit and an invitation that stated that their date required formal attire. Jesse made it pretty clear that FORMAL was a little out of the box for him. DeAnna made it clear that she was not trying to change Jesse...just trying to mold him into a completely different person that would fit into her world. Lets face it...Jesse is cute and very sweet, but he is who he is and that's what make's him so great. You either accept him the way he is or tell him you just want to be friends. Jesse is only going to be happy with the kind of girl who is going to enjoy a man in a funny little jacket and checkered shoes. As much as I like Jesse...I think it would have been better for him if she had let him go.

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DeAnne takes her group date stock car racing. You could almost smell the combination of testosterone, sweat, and cheap cologne as the men walked out onto the track. Of course there was going to be a race for one on one time with DeAnna. HOT Brian (that's just my pet name for him) was the first to hit the track, putting up a pretty impressive time. One after another, they each got their shot. Most came up short, but Twilley beat Brian's speed of 140 and DeAnna let out a YEAH that was about as enthusiastic as winning third place in a hot dog eating contest. Thank God Sean pulled out the win with his final run topping out at 141MPH. He was a happy man! As he put it, he felt like he was in a race for her heart and he was not in the lead. Unfortunately, Sean took his one on one time, otherwise known as a grass picnic, to spill his guts and then call her a redneck...nothing says I love you like "you're a hick".

DeAnna decides to show the boys how it's really done as she spins the tires and burns rubber around the track...finishing with a faster time than any of the men. If that wasn't enough to drive the men's competitive nature...Jeremy stealing her away for some one on one time in the bus certainly was. He didn't like losing the race, so he stole the prize...giving the guys even more reason to hate him. Graham busted in and broke things up, which didn't bother DeAnna one bit. As she likes to say OVER and OVER again...she is VERY attracted to Graham. But Graham is the one guy that has the hardest time with sloppy seconds and DeAnna is a little tired of trying to explain herself to him. She doesn't need him to show her what it feels like to share, as she put it...she's already been there. What she wants is a guy that puts it all out there...like Sean. DeAnna gave Sean the rose on the group date. Apparently she does want a Southern boy. Besides...he did cut off the mullet for her and he's sure to keep her safe with his mad karate skills!

After the group date, the boyz decide to throw a BBQ and invite DeAnna down to the man shed for a little party. However...the party goes terribly wrong when DeAnna realizes that half of the guys are hiding from her and the other half are perfectly content to play with each other. I'm not sure if she was more hurt that they were all gossiping about who they thought her final three were going to be or if she was just mad that she wasn't the center of attention. What did she expect? Did she want them all to carry her around the man shed on a pedestal? It's a competition. Men are going to be men. They are going to bully one another, they are going to throw things around, and they may even pee on a few things to mark their territory. Unfortunately, it would be inappropriate to pee on DeAnna, so they all just try to rub their scent on her by rolling up her sleeves and giving her hugs...and some guys just can't handle that, so they run and hide. DeAnna tells them all that they need to go home, if they can't deal with it. Then she runs back to the big house in tears...all very dramatic!

Before the two on one date, Robert and Fred tried to decide what would be the determining factor in who would be going home. Robert was convinced that it would come down to who got the first kiss. He must have spent hours coming up with the perfect line to use on DeAnna, before settling on, "I'm a big believer in the passion side of a relationship...can be felt, I think...on the first kiss...and so...can I kiss you?" Robert then leans in as DeAnna says, "Oooh, right here (pointing to her cheek)". As she put it, she gave Robert the dodge. Whether it was his sweaty forehead, his poor English, or the shirt that was unbuttoned half way to his naval...she was not feeling ole Bobby.

Fred takes his moment by the pool to share with DeAnna his true feeling and be the compassionate guy that the boyz know and love, but if there isn't a connection, it doesn't really matter how great of a guy you are. Honestly, I thought she was going to cut them both. I didn't see chemistry with either of them...no matter how many times Robert tried to say that it was there. And I was right...she cut them both! For the first time in Bachelor/Bachelorette history, she sent them both home! I think the boyz were the most shocked and confused by DeAnna's decision. Jason was the only one who seemed excited, since he was the only boy left in the mansion, he got some priceless alone time and a chance to console DeAnna after the date.

There was a lot of tension at the rose ceremony. Only one man was going home and the last time they saw her, she was leaving in tears. They were all really jealous of Jason and they all seemed scared to death. Each guy vying for a rose, took her aside one after another and begged her to keep them around. It was so sad...especially for me, because I knew in my gut she was sending home Hot Brian. You know that has to suck...knowing that you were the only guy in the entire room that she truly felt she could do without. If you need a shoulder to cry on honey...I'm here for you!

Tune in next week as DeAnna continues to break the rules, break their hearts and Twilley continues to be...well...Twilley.

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